Note No. 51

February 7, 2010

Earlier this week, I opened my e-mail to find an invitation to a Super Bowl party this afternoon.

Now, I am no sports fan; I have been known to attend the occasional European or World Cup viewing in a bar, and a live hockey match can be fun, but football? I am not sure if I hate it more than golf. I think I might. At least golf players don’t wear shiny little Spandex pants that are too small, so that my head does that uncontrollable jerk thing, like when the meat & dairy section at the grocery store smells like poo, as it did a few days ago.

Anyhow, I was delighted to receive the invitation to the Super Bowl party, because I love a good party and EVERYONE knows that a Super Bowl party is actually just a chance for the girls to get together in the kitchen and nibble on stuffed mushrooms over man gossip, while the boys clump together on the sofa and whoop and boo and do little Yessssss fist moves in the air. Then at commercial breaks and halftime, everyone circles round the TV, so as not miss the big name performance and the award-winning advertisements.

Right?

Wrong. I know. Hence the reason I feel I should make an effort this year to inform myself just a little bit before I fix a snack, do a B.Y.O.B., and appear at 5 p.m. (Central Time), 18 to 30 minutes before kickoff.

First of all, who’s playing? The Colts and …..?

This will be Super Bowl XLIV (That’s 44 to you): the Indianapolis Colts vs. the New Orleans Saints, and it’s taking place in Florida (Little known fact: I used to live there. Not in Miami, though. I’d be a lot different if I’d lived in Miami).

What do I wear?

Seeing as I have no allegiances here, my loyalty will go to the hosts. They are Colts fans. Therefore, I am going to wear a deep shade of blue, not unlike— nothing I own.

Does this mean I have to go shopping?
Maybe not. I think you could get away with that purply blue top you have, the long one you got in Seattle that looks good with leggings. But DON’T, whatever you do, wear black and gold.
Damn. I think I might have liked black and gold.

Who’s the hero here?

Peyton Manning is. And Jeff Saturday’s not so bad, either.
But oh my God. I should have stopped while I was ahead. Knowing that Manning has some quirky genius traits makes sense. I can get my head around that one. Knowing all that other stuff about extra rushers and lollipopping passes and pressure from the front four?
Head spinning. Eyes crossing. Morale dropping. Fast.
Back out. Back out of the page now.
Okay.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.

And who’s the evil villain?

I guess his name is Drew Brees. Though frankly, I kinda like the guy.

Timeout

Can I just say that NOTHING about that man makes my head do that bad smell reflex thing? (And if you keep up all that talk about gyroscopic torque and the other science behind throwing a football, well, I might actually LIKE the game.)

Did you know that the Super Bowl can be bad for your health?

That you could actually DIE from watching it? Yes. According to that link that you might not have clicked on, a number of studies have shown that “big games have been linked to spikes in heart attacks and other cardiovascular events.”
It then goes on the admit that the average diet at your average Super Bowl gathering could have an effect on the non-average person’s heart, as well.
I have no idea what they’re talking about. (Are they really about to eat raw meat in that photo?)

And Who’s entertaining?

The Who.
Who?
The Who.
Who?
(Oh, okay. I’ll stop.)
And apprarently they know more about pinball than they do football. Which makes me feel a lot better about myself.

But just in case there’s a lag in conversation…

Living on this island can insulate you from all the terrors of the real world: road rage, the best brands of whitening toothpaste, the latest iPhone app, who tweated what @whom, and why.
But at an event that is to be broadcast from American television, well, it’s going to be hard to ignore all that in-your-face reality. So why not play the part all the way?
Should we grow tired of wagering and monitoring our bets (Print this out. Seriously. If you don’t ever click on another of my links (that I so diligently seek out for you), open this one and print it), here are some possible conversation jumpstarters, based on this week’s homegrown headlines (Don’t trust me on this, though. I just live on a rock in the middle of the sea):
What the hell is wrong with Senator John Edwards?
How ’bout that Snowmageddon?
Have you seen the iPad?
What’s up with all that snow in D.C.?
So, the space shuttle didn’t launch.
That was a lot of snow up there; wasn’t it?
India’s playing with nukes again.
Did you see all that snow?

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